My purpose of sharing such a private part of my journey is to possibly inspire someone to keep going that may be unsure of their timing or what their path looks like. Maybe it’s about having a child, deciding whether or not to freeze your eggs, add to and expand your family in some way or to choose to let go of having a child and fully embrace and honor your knowing.

It’s so important to not feel like we have to defend ourselves and our decisions. It can be easy to take that route in so many aspects of living in today’s world. It can also be easy to struggle to find your knowing and allow the time and space that it can require until it’s revealed.

I also hope my message serves as a reminder that even if something hasn’t worked out how you’d hope until now…your story isn’t over. I also hope that other women can feel inspired that anything is possible as I share a few of the core beliefs that helped me.

I also have been getting responses like: Wait, you had a kid!? Can I ask HOW? With whom? Or I assume you adopted, or had a donor? Did IVF? How did you conceive at 40? 

So, today I’m answering all these questions and how my daughter came to be.

While I know I don’t “have to” answer these questions, I’d love the chance to capture how it all went and answer some of your questions. This was truly one of my more inspired and connected moments in my life and I hope it can serve you on your journey, too.

I think it’s also important to mention that while this chapter of the story may seem quite effortless for me (which, yes, it was), there was over a decade of heartbreak, struggle and unknown fertility. I’m so grateful and fortunate that I took healing into my own hands. Not necessarily to conceive, but to be on my most authentic and connected path. Over a decade of work, growth, mentors, intense dedication, setbacks and healing have gone into this seemingly overnight success story. 

First, I want to mention some beliefs that I truly think have carried me through the last 8 years. 

1. I somehow always believed that it was possible for me to conceive if and when I was really certain. I didn’t know how. Doctors didn’t validate this, rather tried to instill a ton of doubt. I can’t say I know exactly where this inner knowing came from, but it did help me build trust with my body. 
2. With that belief came a conscious desire to heal on many levels. I also knew I had a major fear around childbirth. That mixed with my desire for a home-birth was where I started. I didn’t start working with a doula or taking a prenatal yoga teacher training necessarily to conceive (and certainly not right away) but I did want to be prepared for when and if the time came. I check my hormones annually and have been taking a prenatal vitamin for years. I’m so grateful everything aligned so consistently to dive deep and to learn so much. 
3. I realized following and aligning our actions with our highest values is key. It also helps reveal if in fact something we say we want is congruent. When I started initially studying all things family, kids, birth—I wasn’t ready or consistent. As someone who likes to be prepared and equally leave a lot of space to flow, I noticed months before I conceived all I did was read mom blogs, save Instagram posts on pregnancy, have a long amazon cart of products up to 5 years old of things I was finding that looked interesting. When everything came together to conceive, I felt completely certain and ready in so many ways. My spontaneous actions for months was consistent with this path even though I wasn’t fully conscious of what I was doing.
4. Trust your timing and your path. Really living this takes time, attention, energy, the right tools, self-care, practices, rituals, divine guidance at those crucial moments when you’re overwhelmed with doubt or how to stay on your path. Somehow when you’re committed to this—the doors continue to open. 

Ok, I’m sure there are dozens more I could share, but let’s dive in. I didn’t realize until I started sharing my story months later exactly how unique it was and how inspiring it could be. 

I’m going to share the timeline first:

Day of conception: Early in the day on a Saturday morning at the start of the new year and I thought to myself: “I could get pregnant today”.

I actually woke up feeling really off and laying in a bed for a while with my phone off. Finally, I decided this isn’t how I wanted to spend the day. I jumped in the shower, put on a cute outfit and took my dog for a walk. (After deciding I was going to have this plan is when I had the thought “I could get pregnant today”)

Standing outside my building I finally turned my phone on. Within a minute or two my ex-boyfriend called. We hadn’t spoken in a few weeks (and before that had actually mostly gone years without talking.) I paused debating if I wanted to talk to anyone, then decided to answer. He just said I had a feeling to call you. We chatted, caught up. All of a sudden we spoke about me going to the eye doctor and having an issue with my eye. How that’s all about our vision (duh!).

I had known 2023 would be a big transition year for me.

I had felt it for months. I didn’t know what was in store. (I thought it was going to be a move or time spent abroad focused on my spiritual growth and some new courses and writing.) But I could feel myself intensely preparing and opening myself up to enter a new chapter.

He asked me about kids. Something we hadn’t spoken about for 8 years. I said, “it’s funny you’re asking me today because I had this thought just a few hours ago that I could get pregnant today.” 

This led to him saying he’d have a kid with me. 

I asked him to pause and I ran upstairs to be still on my couch. I remember just getting in touch with my knowing and getting a clear yes. We both expressed what was important to us in a few minutes and decided we were completely on board.

It was one of those few moments in my life where everything in the room turned white and gold and I just had complete clarity, ease and gratitude.

I can only think of a handful other times in my life I’ve had that level of clear knowing about a life transition or something that would set me on a new path. 

Now the interesting part. He happened to be in Hawaii where he lives part time and I was in LA. The next flight out was in an hour and a half and well that was the last flight of the day. He was 45 minutes from the airport. He jumped up from the beach in his bathing suit with his backpack and said he’d head to the airport and try.

The minute we hung up I had tears of gratitude and clarity. I wanted this more than I realized and was completely ready. I called one of my best friends. *(the one that gets me. The one that knows and trusts me when something is a clear yes, I’m going for it and supports that, but anything less she’s skeptical and pushes back if it’s really what I want.) Normally I would’ve called asking, what do you think? I was just sharing and wanted to reflect all that was happening. It didn’t matter at all what she said. I was somewhat surprised, she could feel it and was so supportive and excited for me. 

Here’s her supporting me during the entire labor and delivery.

We hung up and he called and the flight was delayed 30 minutes…he’s making the flight!

We hung up and my other friend who also does fertility acupuncture calls. She’s near my house and I tell her what happened. Next thing I know she’s here and everything is feeling so real and so possible. 

I meditate, journal, take a walk and he’s here. He said it was the easiest flight he ever had. 

There was a moment I wondered with this long flight. Would either of us change our minds? 

He walked in and it was so easy. 

Our daughter called us somehow to be here in this perfect timing so she could come through.

There is no logical reason we would’ve chosen each other or this path or this timing-and everything about it feels so aligned. 

After decades and years of wondering how and if I would have a child, it came together in a matter of hours. 

I was ready to say yes. I stepped into the unknown. I had certainty that no matter what happened between us, I could always find gratitude and ease with knowing this was meant to be or it wouldn’t have shown up this way. I knew I was meant to expand my purpose and connect to it even more deeply to expand my impact and potential. I knew it was time for something more in my life. I couldn’t wait to become a mother in this new form.

Interestingly, he had a vision a few months back he’d have a child by his birthday in November. She was born at the end of September. 

We both aligned with this timing and huge change on our own which I also think helped us conceive quickly. We aligned and were open and didn’t make anything happen or any energy of need or this has to work. I spoke out to a baby being about how ready and open I was and how I’d love it if this is their time. I had been connecting to a baby being for a little while now

A few times while we dated, I had an internal thought ‘I could get pregnant.’ And, I had it with hesitation. Like uh-oh, think and be careful. Interestingly, one time I got a massive UTI within an hour of the fear. Another time we got so out of sync the thought faded into the distance. I knew it wasn’t the right time (it’s interesting how it was with the same person spanning the course of 10 years. I could sense the possibility and yet know…not yet.)

When we broke up it was challenging. It was such an opportunity to lean into trust in so many ways. There’s such a delicate balance of not forcing something to happen, not waiting around and yet staying softly open to possibility.

After our breakup I was also getting worried about my age. I was fast approaching 35 and that dreaded number seemed like a finality for conception. I was somehow guided to the doorstep of a fertility clinic “by accident” as I was looking for a different office. I overhead about a cancellation the next morning and decided to grab the appointment. I was told I would have a difficult time conceiving, if ever. Thousands of dollars, blood work drawn and I was sent on my way with what seemed like a suitcase full of shots and hormones to try and freeze my eggs. This isn’t something I’d normally go for and yet it all flowed so I went with it.

I’m sharing this part of the story because I think it was such a valuable experience in sooo many ways.

1. A reminder to check in. I didn’t stop and pause and really gain clarity if this was congruent for me. About a week into the hormones and I realized this wasn’t how I personally wanted to do it. I went back for the next ultrasound and had half the amount of eggs. HALF. Not double. I took this as a sign and decided if I had less than 5 I wouldn’t proceed. Well, next ultrasound I had ONE good egg. This to me was not worth freezing, going through a surgery and antibiotics so I stopped. That was a day I had to release a lot of grief and accept I may never have a natural child. The dr. said to go to a sperm bank and I could get pregnant which was not in the cards for me as I was healing. I was still grateful I had a direct experience of this so I could be even more clear for myself and have more insight when clients asked for clarity or inspiration to follow their truth. This is such a personal choice with no right or wrong answer, just one that feels best for what you desire and feels most aligned.
2. My trust in my timing deepened. It’s funny after this experience, I built back my certainty that if I was meant to have a child naturally I could make it happen. I also became even more clear that this wasn’t my time. I felt like I had all the time in the world and finally felt free of a timeline. Such a relief!
3. Recalling clarity and certainty in moments of doubt. Once in a while over the years I’d feel disappointed that I may have missed my only chance to have a child. What helped more than anything was to remember this experience and trust my path once again. That if that were meant for me, it would’ve worked, felt right and I would’ve been clear and ready.
4. Realized gaps of things I wanted to do for myself. Fears and patterns I wanted to go deeper with and release. The deeper healing journey I went on, I now see was such a gift of this conception and throughout my pregnancy.  

After 4 years after this experience, during covid I started working a doula again. I kept wondering about a child and if this is still something I wanted and could create.

She recommended spirit babies doing some research on a co-parenting site. After just a few searches, I found what could’ve been an amazing potential donor. It was fun to explore the possibility of this, but when we met it didn’t feel right and I again gained clarity this was also not how I wanted to have a child. I even had a name come in the night before we met and it turned out to be his last name. I felt the potential, grieved the loss, and also felt clarity it wasn’t meant to be. I knew so much about this little boy and it was hard to say no, but again I trusted even deeper.

Now, let’s fast forward two years. I’m 40. I went to the dr. (who knew this would be a few months before actually conceiving) and she told me if I was still considering children I should explore egg donation. I was too old and had too few eggs. 

I’m glad instead of fear, I walked out knowing I’d find a new doctor. 

I really believe in co-creating our experiences.

And, I went back to inward reflection, solo time, journaling and moving my body. I said no to anything that didn’t feel aligned or on purpose with what I wanted to create so that I could say yes to an inspired future–whatever that was. I knew it was time to lean into the unknown and was preparing my system in so many ways.

And, then that day everything came together in the most magical and effortless way. It was an easy yes on all fronts. The gratitude I feel not only for my daughter and this decision, but also for every no and intentional yes along the way to lead me here is everything I could want for my life and to pass down.

Now, I’ll just share a little about what happens after conception.

After I conceived that evening, I put so much attention into my energy for supporting the growth of a human. Not necessarily thinking about a small baby but rather a resilient human. One that would be emotionally connected, have a balanced nervous system, a mom who was inspired, clear and healthy so that she could know the fulfillment that comes from a purposeful life with inspired stress, not overwhelming distress.

The gift of helping her find her own destined path. And my gift of having a legacy that I had the honor of helping to build and nurture. 

This was my daily focus along with visualizations and education.

I changed some of my meditations, movement, how I connected, ate even more intuitively. Did energy work daily. Completed my many year clairvoyant training and so much more. I was committed to a certain energy level, vibration and way of being. Any time I felt off from that, I used my tools and turned towards the providers I knew aligned with me and understood my outcomes. 

I didn’t overshare with anyone that wasn’t in it with us. When I finally started sharing with my family I wanted space and time to process. I took my time. When people had desires I moved faster, I went against my normal make it work mentality and again chose to trust my timing and honor what I wanted.

This bubble was so sacred and I allowed people in slowly so I could feel and process it’s impact as the circle expanded. 

The same thing happened after delivery. At first I took pictures of our gender reveal so excited to shout the news to everyone. I didn’t even care I took at early detection sneak peek test off the internet at 6 weeks. I couldn’t wait to know and celebrate. The party ended up being for just the two of us. I took announcement photos that I now love in her scrapbook, but again didn’t end up sharing. 

I wanted to film the birth and share every detail, the photographer missed the birth. It’s funny I reached out the day before telling her I felt like it would happen soon. Her dad messaged her at 6 am and she got back to us at 3pm ready to come and the baby was already here. My doula asked around 7am though if I wanted her to call and I said no. What I thought I wanted didn’t flow at this point. 

I have a whole course on breakups and healing from the perspective of deep trust, healing and mutual respect regardless of the circumstances. It’s interesting to me that we had such a challenging break up and yet years later the most purposeful reconnection and effortless, beautiful, conscious conception. 

It took me a long time to unravel many pieces and heal. Patience and trust is so critical for an empowering experience. It was an opportunity to go really deep and learn so many new types of skills to support what I needed and how I could help so many other clients and couples. I didn’t complain to girlfriends, vent, just move on or move past how I felt and where I was being called to grow.

My work became more a part of me. My level of self-mastery increased as did my self-worth, skill set and confidence. I loved teaching more than ever. 

And, I was open to moving on many times after we went years without speaking. I also always trusted if we were meant for something more together, it would happen. That would require me again leaning into the unknown and staying open. Not waiting and yet listening to my souls path. I could wait forever on one level for whatever is meant to be. I truly didn’t feel rushed. My early 30’s, however, I did feel rushed and wanted to know so much of what my life would look like. At 35, I felt like I had all the time in the world. 

I loved conceiving at 40.

If I could’ve been who I am now earlier parts of conceiving earlier may have been amazing. I may have had more children. I can see how that just wasn’t my path. I couldn’t have gone any faster and she wouldn’t be who she is if I had rushed or made something happen.

I also get asked: How did your ex come back into the picture? Did you ask him to have a baby?

A little background on our history. After years of not speaking, during COVID he called out of nowhere. It felt like we were ready to heal and connect. He drove from San Francisco to Aspen in 18 hours and the next evening he showed up at my doorstep. The following night my dog was arriving from PA. I’ve never owned a dog before and this felt like a huge life change. He ended up there with me through the first few weeks of Max’s life. Max ended up with some challenges and a major UTI and we were cutting baby clothes to make these dog diapers stay on. Going to the vet together. Doing spiritual work and meditations daily. Setting ourselves up unconsciously. I can see how it was such a necessary piece. So much healing transpired. 

We then didn’t speak for about 2 years again after he left. That was hard for me at times. When he came back around it again felt like we jumped right in. We spoke about spending the holiday together working on our business and goals and visions. It just didn’t feel right around November. We both decided to take quiet time and regroup in the new year. I canceled all my holiday plans from thanksgiving through new years to clear my head space, declutter my apartment, be in silence, open up to something new. 

On my half birthday, on a cancer full moon (I’m a double cancer) it was such a powerful energy to enter this new life chapter together with complete ease, love and knowing. 

Again, the purpose of this share is simply to tell my story and for a little glimpse into what worked for me.

There is no wrong way to bring a child into the world, or to choose not to. No one escapes growing up and stepping into a parental figure in some capacity. They are all so valuable. The phase of holding sacred space as a mother to my clients was a beautiful chapter that I wouldn’t have wanted to skip.

We all have our path and get our learnings in different ways. 

If you’re called to read my labor and delivery story about a beautiful home birth about what’s possible, I invite you to click here.

Thanks for listening. Feel free to share any insights, feedback or questions below.

Here’s to you loving your unique journey along the way

Laurin xx

Professional Photos: Elle Mika Photography